Dear Mount Franklin

Dear Mount Franklin Water,

I appreciate your generous litres of water I have been purchasing over the many years I’ve had my own money to spend. I thank you for the time spent extracting and collecting water from the fresh springs of Australia’s Capital Territory, and for the processes you endure to ensure “pure, spring water from pristine resources… are filtered before they reach” me.

Your 600mL bottles fit just perfectly into my car water-bottle-holders, into the treadmill and bikes at the gym, and on my trusty makeshift bedside table, while still leaving room for my iPhone, books, headphones and silver lamp.

I encourage and respect your support of The McGrath Foundation, and always feel like I’m getting something a little bit extra when I twist a pink cap within my grip.

You are uniquely Australia, a true patriot, through and through. It’s great that you’re making the most of our natural resources, distributing its beauty into hands, mouths and throats across the nation. As they say: Of the People, By the People, For the People. We’re so democratic when we want to be.

Despite your advice I do reuse my Mount Franklin Water bottles, although I’m aware of the potential “health risks” and “bacteria” you speak of so fondly (and undoubtedly with your finances in mind).

It is following on from this, I have to admit I am frustrated with your new “Mount Franklin Easy-Crush Bottle”. Another “step in your journey toward more sustainable practices”, you claim these are it’s benefits:

  • Is the lightest 600mL water bottle produced in Australia
  • Uses 35% less plastic then previous Mount Franklin 600mL bottle as of August 2010
  • Is still 100% recyclable
  • Reduces our PET plastic by 1.7 million kg annually1
  • The carbon footprint of every bottle has been reduced by 27%2
  • Is easy to crush when empty, taking up less space in your recycling

These are all great initiatives and will surely appeal to environmentalists and the plastic-conscious. But I’ve got a gripe I just can’t handle. These new bottles are so bloody crushable, my mum just came into my room laughing at my Leaning Bottle of Pisa! And the poor Tower is in major need of reconstruction. So, you say, purchase a new bottle. It prevents health risks and will solve the problem instantly. In fact, my displeasure only reinforces your public relations statement of how crushable they really are! But be realistic. These bottles are not only illformed when they’re empty. I work as a food and beverage attendant and let me tell you, unpacking boxes and boxes of these unsteady things is not fun. They bend in unwanted places, slip through your fingers, and appear on counters malformed, resulting in a customer requesting “a different bottle” (which of course, is struck by the same physical imbalance).

It’s like you’ve traded branding with Rice Bubbles. Your bottles now Snap! Crackle! and Pop!, too.  A picture of the current state of my Mount Franklin bottle is unpublishable. And no one would recognise what it was originally, anyway.

Is there any way you can keep using 35% less plastic and retain customers, simultaneously? Because honestly, despite Pump being slightly too big for the gym machines’ bottle holder, my car and my bedside table, it’s pluses are starting to seriously outweigh your environmentally friendly minuses. Pun somewhat intended.

Oh, and have you ever considered switching from a screw top lip to a pop top? I don’t care if pop tops invite comparisons to kids juice boxes, and neither should you. Because they’re convenient. That why they’re manufactured into kids drinks. It’s simple maths, really.

And come on, dear Frankie, this ad’s pretty lame. Possums, butterflies, gum trees? We get it. You’re Australian. And you’re nature lovers.

In the meantime I am yours. But know that our relationship depends upon a necessary re-stabilisation of the product we’ve all come to love and gain hydration from.





Oh, and in other news, today I got accepted as a Casual Writer at Vibewire. Go check them out. I’m looking forward to being a part of this motivated team.

  1. Frankie said:

    Whoa-I never knew I could mean that much to someone! I’m taking all this back to The Boss, am gonna demand some changes, and a big pay rise too! Ive been crushed for long enough!

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