Wake up. Early. To a father and a flashing phone light. Missed call. Listen to Voicemail. Return call. Arise. Dress. Wake.
Pack, “just like you’re going away for a few weeks. Things you’re comfortable in, loose clothing, books to read, things to do in your spare time.”
Eat on the road. Actually not feeling too bad about everything, considering. Last night was worse. Rage, fear, scared. This morning has brought with it a sense of calm and readiness. What a joke.
Arrival. Intake. Electricals. Possessions, searched. Cupboards, swapped. Questions. So many questions. History, current state, thoughts and goals for the future. Life’s time frame is the beholder’s only boundaries.
Lots and lots of spare time. Time to think, time to ponder, time to wonder what else could be. Reading a bit, falling asleep. Being woken for Program. Waiting for all the “stragglers” (myself included) to be rounded up.
Teaching. With a whiteboard and such. Picking placarded words from a table. Explaining how they relate to the theory being taught via the board.
“I can just ramble on if you want.”
I’d like that. We were both half asleep. She; a veteran. I; a beginner, just starting. Sussing out whether I’d actually make it past the 12 hour mark. I won’t.
But the decision hasn’t been easy. Should I, shouldn’t I? Yes, no, maybe, so, go? Stay. Give it a try. Give it a chance. Let yourself warm up to it all a bit. Try the dining hall. Listen and participate in conversation. Spend some time in the lounge. Maybe then you’d start to connect with others.
You know time in here would be very beneficial for your study. So much time, so little to do. With the Internet enabling you to roam freely, your fingers nimble enough to float and glide across the keys at a timely pace, your mind is the only think in need of catching up. And slowly, with help, this should improve, too.
So why, after nearly being certain I would stay, am I now about to go?
Got my appliances back. Dad walked through the door and everything felt okay again. I don’t know if I feel I can say I have tried. But I’ve had an experience, nonetheless.
After making my decision, I called a friend. She talked me through things. It’s sometimes good to have someone talk to you, so you can just listen and take in what they have to say. Not left with what we were talking about during Group today, “perceptions” or “suspicions”. Substantial thoughts and comments from the outside.
I wonder why It works for so many and is held is such high esteem? I guess I didn’t give the Opportunity long enough to fulfill the extent of its benefits. Should I have held on to that opportunity? Maybe. Do I regret my decision? So far, no. I am still having thoughts in multiple heads around the idea, and I will have days in the near future where I suspect I made the wrong decision. But that opportunity has not gone forever. Within reason, those sliding, automatic doors are still open. They are fully supervised, secure, but they are safe and provide a little life in order for people to learn how to cope, manage and make important decisions. And in this way, it fulfilled its purpose for me, today.