It’s a pity this message will not reach her. She won’t listen. She can’t listen. She has erased the past. And it’s because she wants to.
I don’t know why you do it. You could be a good friend. You’re fun to be around, you know how to make people smile, you’re full of energy and brighten up each room you stumble into. But these days, stumbling has become your forte. Everyday you’re stumbling, down dirty ally ways, tripping up the stairs of some new haunt, getting smashed on a Thursday and you embody Rebecca Black when ‘getting down on Fridays’. I want to say that I like you. I can say that I did. But we’ve chosen different paths. Or maybe it’s that I’ve actually chosen a path and you’ve chosen googs and jugs. I know you don’t want to see it, and I don’t deny that you’re having fun. You’re always in at least one promoter’s pretentious photos I see uploaded after each weekend. They’ve gone through their club’s photos deleting and editing out those ones who don’t represent ‘the look’ they’re going for or would attract the ‘wrong’ kind of crowd. But you’re always there, front and centre with a silly smile, pesky pout or dancing with disco arm up high to let everyone know exactly where you are. So, you are climbing the ranks. But you’re falling down in my books. And this is where your self-indulgent and attention-seeking habits become a weapon of self-destruction. You are destroying the fun person you used to be because you’re always hung up on some new person, some drug, some club, some… boy. And then you don’t shut up about it/him. And you lose me. You listen for a minute and then we hear ‘…and back to me’, and sure, that’s the way the conversation swings. Because you have this innate power, it’s been with you all along. You have the ability to swing life, love, people, situations and outcomes your way. And people support you through your processes. But I’ve had enough. You’re letting yourself down by letting me down. As you drown deeper in a sea of your own thoughts, a friend who stuck by you over the years is waving you out to sea. And she’s not going to call a lifesaver when you’re former-disco arm goes up in the air waving for help. Because your actions are speaking to me even when your words fail, and Friendship Road is a two-way street. So maybe this is my last plea for change but its essence is calming and reeks of closure. Tone down your tan and study up on how to be in a relationship with a genuine human being. I know you’re not studying much else at the moment besides how to climb the bars of society and find ways to rationalize trashy behaviours as though paying tribute to the awful hashtag #YOLO. And I wonder if you put on my shoes for a week or even a day and conversed with the persona you present, whether you’d hang around in something so tight and limiting when you could just as easily run barefoot out the door? You pick and choose already, lifting up those with something to offer and shunning those whose possessions you envy. So why should I deny myself the same autonomy when it comes down to investing in a relationship? If only you weren’t so defensive and hard to relate to, we could have been soul mates. But we’re growing, or I’m growing while in my eyes, you’re shrinking with the help of drugs, appalling behaviour and too many check-ins at recovery venues on Saturday and Sunday mornings. And through our paralleling growth and diminution, I’m developing resentment for you and all that you do. So as much as I’d like to think that we’re finished and through, you can hold your head high with pompous pride knowing that your self-destructing attitudes have rubbed off onto me, too.