Pretentious Problems

Blame Babe Walker: #firstworldpains, #firstworldproblems, #whitegirlproblems. Giving them any such title or category is ridiculously politically incorrect. I hate them but I love them, and I know you do too. Thus, I present to you a list of snags on which we really need to gain some perspective. Tell me your petty pet-hates and watch the list grow. Love you. Mean it.




1. Having to take 100 selfies in order to get one on your correct side from a reasonable angle where you’re not half blinking, have flat hair, a stupid duck face or evidence of your carroty fake tan
2. When your wardrobe is too full and you can’t find anything to wear to uni/work/your friend’s place/the GYM (guys, it’s the gym – you’re supposed to look gross at the gym)
3. Worrying about whether plastic particles from a bottle of Mount Franklin water have plagued the 100% safe, pure, drinking water you are about to consume
4. Not knowing what the weather’s going to do today and thus having to carry around an umbrella, sunglasses and jumper all day and getting to 8pm without needing a single one of them (#melbourneproblems)
5. Not getting out of class early, or even getting let out ON TIME
6. Not getting an HD/A+ on the assignment you did at 2:24am the night before it was due
7. Early morning lectures
8. Expensive (illegal) drugs
9. Purchasing a ridiculously stupid phone cover and having to live with the consequences (me, me, me and me)
10. Having too many things you want to watch on television
11. Not having Foxtel
12. Spending too much time on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter/Pinterest
13. Loosing a game of Candy Crush/Words With Friends/Draw Something/Angry Birds
14. Having to pay 25 cents when iMessage fucks up
15. Having to touch off your Myki (#melbourneproblems)
16. Metro
17. Metro
18. Metro? (#melbourneproblems)
19. Not knowing which pair of Nike Free’s to get/wear
20. Generally having just too much STUFF
21. Cleaning your room
22. Going out all night, through the next day and then being “too tired” for uni/work on Monday
23. Hangovers
25. Air conditioning that is way too cold (Solution: See Number Four)
26. Having to turn down your brightness in order for your iPhone to last a whole day (but seriously, c’mon Apple)
27. Having too many invitations
28. Shops being closed on public holidays
29. Carrying around poo change
30. Thin, scratchy toilet paper
31. The ‘Read’ alert within Facebook messages
32. The demands of internet
33. Not having access to the internet
34. No reception
35. No right turns
36. Hook turns (#melbourneproblems)
37. Not being able to find the cold side of the pillow because you’ve already turned it over too many times
38. Choosing a filter on Instagram
39. Loosing a follower and the pains of having to find out who it was so you can hate on them and un-follow them thereafter
40. Having to get all your friends to un-follow them too
41. Rain and frizzy hair
42. Sun and long hair
43. Shaving/waxing
44. Window washers
45. Door knockers
46. Automated replies
47. Mosquitoes and flies
48. Cash only payments
49. Places that don’t split the bill
50. No lay buys
51. Spending $30 at Savers for six items
52. Notifications/push alerts
53. Lines at clubs
54. People that push their way to the front of the line because they “know someone”
55. PSOs (#melbourneproblems)
56. ASOS (delete the App, your bank account will thank you later)
57. Any site that doesn’t offer free shipping
58. Slow service
59. Punt Road (#melbourneproblems)
60. Bus service replacements on already failing train systems (#melbourneproblems)
61. The last cigarette/piece of gum and the feeling of emptiness that follows


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